February 28, 2010

I really thought I looked quite nice when I went to church today, so imagine my surprise when I heard the lady behind me whisper that I was wearing a $50 hat on a nickel head. Just for the record, I made the hat myself and the materials only cost me $7.50, most of which went toward the life- size sunflowers I used to decorate the crown. And furthermore, if the value of a head has anything to do with its size, then my commenter’s head must be worth at least a dollar. Do you think she estimated the cost of my hat at $50 because that’s how much it would have cost for enough materials to cover her own hog head or simply because it looked that beautiful? I don’t know. I’m just asking…

Filed under: Uncategorized — babzpiper @ 5:47 pm
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February 21, 2010

Thank you to all who have sent cards and flowers during my absence. And a special shout out to the well-wisher who sent me the brownies. Yep, I didn’t feel any pain for days, not even when I fell naked into a snow bank after losing my way to the bathroom. Anyway, I am healing nicely and since I have finally re-gained the use of my fingers I will be posting here and there, even though my toes continue to beg me to remain immobile. The ever throbbing, jam filled digits are apparently terrified of sustaining further injury should they come in contact with anything more solid than air. You would think that they would be used to life without nails, but nope, apparently the little buggers count on them for a certain amount of protection. Which brings me to my first question. Does anyone know where I might purchase a set of toe helmets? I don’t know. I’m just asking…

Filed under: Uncategorized — babzpiper @ 3:45 pm

November 26, 2009

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Did you know that the turkey help line opened at 4 AM? I’ve been on there ever since. But not to worry anyone fortunate enough to have scored an invite to my humble abode; I’ve mixed a little Beano right into a few of the sides and a little Alka-Seltzer into the wine. It is legal to drug people as long as you’ve posted the disclaimer on your blog, right? I don’t know. I’m just asking …

Filed under: Uncategorized — babzpiper @ 7:08 am
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November 22, 2009

My brother Tassa called me today with a warning. It seems that the universal symbol to indicate choking is not really universal at all, because it looks like somebody forgot to inform the Chinese. While he was slurping on some wonton soup late one afternoon he began choking on whatever the meatbally thing is in the center. So he stood and put his hands around his throat to indicate his predicament, only the pair of slipper clad individuals just began arguing with one another and looking at him with annoyance. Thankfully another customer walked in and performed the required Heimlich maneuver and forced the wad of gray matter out of his throat and into his mini, hand-painted porcelain teacup. He told me that he was so upset that he grabbed his man bag and left the restaurant, giving them a universal sign of his own on the way out. But why do you suppose he wished them peace after such a trial? I don’t know. I’m just asking …

Filed under: Uncategorized — babzpiper @ 9:12 am
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November 20, 2009

On my way home from work yesterday I had a run in with an organ grinder’s monkey. I’m not kidding. He jumped from behind the wheel of his car to confront me at the WaWa gas station. He was wearing a short sleeved white shirt and vest, a bow tie, a tiny little hat, and had the hairiest arms I’ve ever seen. I was certain that if he dropped his pants I’d get a glimpse of his wiry little tail. Anyway, we were both nose in at the pumps with a car behind each of us and he started honking and waving like he expected me to back out. But clearly ladies have more rights than monkeys so I didn’t budge. When he exited his vehicle and came around to my window I was hoping that he was going to demonstrate his little monkey jig, but instead he just started yelling at me. So I let him run out of available vocabulary and then I said, “A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y.” He looked confused with his scrunched up little monkey face so I said it again, “A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y.” Then he asked me what was wrong with me so I repeated the same thing five or six more times only I alternated singing it in a country voice and operatic voice. I saw the hair on his arm stand straight up and I thought he was about to wrap his lean, hairy monkey fingers with the long nails around my throat so I was surprised when he just motioned to the car behind him to back up so we could all be on our way. Does anyone know where I might purchase one of those little organ grinder thingies? Because that really may have helped to get him under control a little faster. I’m just asking …

Filed under: Uncategorized — babzpiper @ 7:21 am
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November 16, 2009

Today I finally decided to act on a dare that had been challenging me for quite some time. I waited until most of my co-workers were at lunch, and then with the help of one of my girls, we moved a small desk and chair into the ladies room. We decorated it complete with a plant, pencil can, etc. and faced it toward the door where I sat waiting. Each time someone came in, I asked them if they had an appointment. It was good for a few laughs until about 15 minutes into my required 30, when my boss got wind of it and came in to confront me. I guess she was mad because she was vibrating from the neck down and steaming from the head up. Yes she was quite a sight and a bonus to my dare. What I’d really like to know though, is what do you think really set her off – the fact that I was acting like a mental case and getting paid for it, or that I told her that her appointment wasn’t until next Thursday? I’m just asking …

Filed under: Uncategorized — babzpiper @ 9:34 pm
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November 15, 2009

I read that Balloon Boy’s parents entered a guilty plea in court on Friday to knowingly and falsely influencing a county sheriff. The dummies – why didn’t they just trick the kid inside and then “accidently” loosen the ropes? I mean, why bother with the lie? I’m just asking …

Filed under: Uncategorized — babzpiper @ 9:46 am

November 14, 2009

I’ve decided to make my next project a children’s book. I’ll title it “Cinderella’s Sister” and hope I don’t get in trouble from the estate of Charles Perrault. I’m going to make the slipper fit one of the wicked step-sisters and then of course the prince will have to marry her and live unhappily ever after. I think there will be a really good moral to the story, something like, “ugly on the outside – ugly on the inside” or “use your brain in matters of the heart”. But which sister do you think should land the prince, the short, stocky one or the tall, homely one? I’m just asking …

Filed under: Uncategorized — babzpiper @ 8:42 am
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November 13, 2009

A few decades ago I abandoned my sister Juanita at a convenience store and then pulled my poo colored Vega to the far side of the large parking lot where I watched her step from the store looking confused and embarrassed. Well yesterday karma one-upped me when I went to lunch at McDonald’s with a group of fellow fat-lovers. While I was in the restroom washing up and thinking about my quarter pounder with cheese, they were hightailing it outta there. When I returned to my table, strangers were sitting there. I too was confused and embarrassed as I stood there with saliva dripping from the corner of my mouth. Naturally I doubted myself at first and scanned the room with my eyes to catch sight of them, but my friends had all dispersed and blended into the crowd where they were able to watch my bout with insanity. After that I really did go a little crazy and accused the strangers of foul play and then demanded the return of my burger. When they told me I was nuts I gave them proof of it as I swiped the burger from the hands of the most helpless looking girl at the table. Turned out that she wasn’t so helpless as she chased me out into the parking lot, ripped the still warm burger from my hands and punched me in the stomach. Do you think this is going to ruin the taste of cheeseburgers for me forever? I’m just asking …

Filed under: Uncategorized — babzpiper @ 10:48 am
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November 8, 2009

Would you be offended if someone gagged after kissing you even if the person possessed an inordinately strong gag reflex? Not that this happened or anything… I’m just asking…

Filed under: Uncategorized — babzpiper @ 8:36 am
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